I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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