I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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