I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
