me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
