i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
