Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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