I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
