You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
