3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
