I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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