i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
