just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
