Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I look excited, but its just a facade.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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