You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
