Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
