hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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