Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
