I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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