I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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