Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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