The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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