if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
