Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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