I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
