I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
