There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
