so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
