i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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