Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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