So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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