I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't turn off my feet"
This is my gift to your gina
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
