You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
