I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
