I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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