There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We just shotgunned beers for America
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
