I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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