i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
