My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
