Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
