He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
