I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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