I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
