she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
