I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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