I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Enjoy the penises
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
