And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
