2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
