My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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