Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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