i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
