I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
