goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
