you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
