Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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