The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
